30-Day Return Window
What happens when a retired high school thespian tries to return to the stage?
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The only Senior Superlative I wanted was “Wittiest.” When you’re a dark haired, gummy bear shaped girl of middling popularity and GPA, there’s only so many places you can go. I came in unranked behind one truly funny girl and four mean girls who often made jokes framed by “Oh my god, I’m just kidding.” The superlative I actually got was “Best Actress,” placing third behind a popular girl who drove me nuts and a dim girl who couldn’t handle rewrites or her emotions during our one production of the female cast of Neil Simon’s The Odd Couple. I liked to participate in theater productions but my star was often suppressed by not getting picked. My biggest upset was not being cast as Mary Warren in my junior year production of The Crucible, losing it to a thin, blonde girl toward whom I still have uncharitable feelings. I wish I could say I was just a sore loser but I was explicitly told by the director that A was thin and although I was a better actress, I was not as thin.
My body was often the butt of jokes in high school theater and I’m sure everyone, adults included, felt they were being secretive of how they were dealing with “the fat girl” in casting. One student production of The Handicapper General I played Ballerina Number Three, described as “ugly, fat, and ungraceful but sweet.” I thought it was the physical comedy of my dreams. I wore a child's dance leotard that cleaved me in half and had my breasts one jump away from being class ranked as two new students. I knew the role was supposed to demonstrate that I was average and my two companions in costumes that accentuated their small tits and slight waists were fitted with bags and fake chains to lower their talent to my level. It’s literally the whole text and I’m nothing if not a Vonnegut literalist. They didn’t understand I had to fall. I had to look bad but in rehearsals, both girls would snarl, “You have to take this seriously, Andrea. You’re going to ruin everything.” As if their lack of understanding of the text wasn’t in danger of ruining the performance. In their eyes, I brought down their performance not because of the text of the play but by not having a body like theirs. One of those girls told me after our only performance, “They were laughing at you, Andrea. Not with you.”
I didn’t even try out for my last musical but I was cast as a mother of some kind because I was a senior. I declined the role, never attended one of the shows, and never acted again. I stopped singing shortly after in college and started talking in my natural register, so my voice, speaking and singing, sounds lower than when I last performed. But after over twenty years, I decided to give it another try and signed up to audition for a local theater company’s production of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella. What’s the worst that can happen? I don’t think I can feel disappointment the same way I did as a teenager, so who could say if it will be worse or better. I waited a week to decide if I’m actually going to go through with it and I decided that I am.
In 30 days time, I will find out if I can make a return to musical theater.
Day 1, 6/30: Wake up 6:47 am. Eat gummy bears in bed while reading. Download Cinderella from Hoopla and watch a little bit of Celeste Holm’s 1965 performance. No singing.
Day 2, 7/1: Googled Celeste Holm. Sang some bars of a song I might use for my audition. Spiraled slightly about sheet music. Exercised to a Chappell Roan hiit dance workout and attempted to sing during it but realized I don’t know as many words as I thought. Stared at myself in the mirror while strength training to see how my eyebrows move while I’m singing. In Jessica Simpson’s book, she said that your eyebrows aren’t supposed to move while you’re performing, but no one ever told the Groucho caterpillars parked on my forehead.
Day 3, 7/2: Sang along to an NPR All Songs Considered concert from 2007 with Rilo Kiley while in the shower. Jenny Lewis is a great belter, so I consider this great practice for the 5 minutes I do it.
Days 4-9, 7/3-7/8: Absolutely nothing, lots of eyebrow watching, singing Taylor Swift songs in the car. I love Taylor singing in the lowest parts of her register.
Day 10, 7/9: Listened to the Original Cast Recording of Company while I dusted and vacuumed my office. Googled “what to bring to a non-equity audition” and feel woefully unprepared. I’m deciding what song to sing for 16-32 bars and I’m split between “Another Hundred People” from Company or “Send in the Clowns” from A Little Night Music. “Another Hundred People” is really hard, so even if I pledged to use it during the Stephen Sondheim Online Birthday Spectacular.
“Send in the Clowns” is slower and easier to remember. I’ve always loved the story that Sondheim wrote this arrangement specifically for Glynis Johns who didn’t think she was a singer. I’m looking for a lower song to sing and work my way back up to a higher register if I can. My favorite version is from The Carol Burnett Show.
Day 11, 7/10: Spent the day at the pool with a dear friend and her kids. I told her about my project and my goals and she looked me dead in the eyes and said, “You’re going to be the Fairy Godmother, right?” Who doesn’t love a tacit endorsement AND encouragement? I appreciate that I can give off Fairy Godmother energy even in 106 degree weather.
Day 15, 7/14: I started the DIY headshot research I’d been avoiding since I saw that I should have one. Michelle sent me a few links to professional headshot photographers and that simply is not for me at this juncture. My cast photo from high school is quite possibly the most early 2000s picture ever taken. I will defend myself that the only reason I was wearing a tie was because it was Halloween and I kept dodging the faculty advisor. She and I co taught 10th grade English together for a semester and we loved to tell the kids how annoying of a teenager I was. My annoyingness is perfectly telegraphed from this picture.
Day 16, 7/15: I took an everything shower and did a good blowout for my headshot. I picked the dress I wore to officiate Jess and Julia’s wedding and see Wayne Newton. I tried to not be frustrated with my pictures but when being photographed, my subconscious twists my face into a face I do not like. Being told to “stop making that face” stresses me out and I feel myself getting uglier. I love to take pictures of people but in equal measure I do not want my picture taken!
Day 17, 7/16: Every so often a video will resurface of Stephen Sondheim teaching a class on how to perform his work. He was such a gifted teacher who provided specific feedback that was actually useful. I used these videos to fix lazier parts of my own diction and phrasing. If nothing else, I will be sure to separate my Ts in singing “ought to be.”
Day 21, 7/20: I edited the selected headshot with a school picture background sourced from Google on Instagram. This is quite literally the best I could do for no money.
Day 22, 7/21: I got a Fairy Godmother (periwinkle shimmer) manicure and told my manicurist, Karmen. Karmen says that I’m crazy and she would never but she wished me good luck before I left. I haven’t told most of my other friends. Jessica and Julia knew because they encouraged me into trying. They are tough roller derby women and they seemingly fear nothing and they pumped me up a lot in the decision making process. It seems like a silly secret to keep but now I’m this far, what’s a bigger secret? I looked up the 2013 Tony’s performance of “Impossible” and really wanted to get this part. It looks so fun. I’m visualizing a positive outcome.
Day 23, 7/22: I really don’t know the words to the song I’m intending to use to audition. That’s my goal, to be off book. I was off book with The Tortured Poets Department for the most part by that weekend. I’ve always had a brain for lyrics. As a kid I was often hit with “you know all of the words to XYX song on the radio, why can’t you do long division?” I don’t think these things were ever related. My best friend, Caryn, really has a brain for lyrics and timing. She told me once about picking up something from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat while going through a tunnel and not losing her place in the song. That has more to do with math than my knowing the words to ‘It’s the End of the World” by REM.
Day 24, 7/23: I’ve never had to source my own sheet music before so I have no idea how to do it. I just googled “Send in the Clowns pdf” and selected the cleanest looking copy to print. I am experiencing some tooth soreness and I am curious how an emergency root canal this week would impact my audition.
Day 25, 7/24: I didn’t actually have a dental emergency. I was more or less diagnosed with overflossing or having a headache. The show must go on.
Day 26, 7/25: I should be studying and practicing but what I’m actually doing is writing lyrics to a song about summer reading for pizza to the tune of “How You Get the Girl” by Taylor Swift. This morning I talked to my mom about how I actually don’t think I can be disappointed or embarrassed about the eventual outcome of this.
Day 27, 7/26: I actually rehearsed. I realized that I have to actually have to perform with an accompanist and since I’m medium low on reading music I feel self doubt creeping into my practice. I am now at a simmering panic about doing this. I warmed up using a scales video from youtube which sounded comfortably familiar. I used to love singing scales in a group. I put the Original Broadway Cast Recording of “Send in the Clowns” on repeat for about three hours to really learn the lyrics. I will live to regret this methodology because I did not do a private session on Spotify and have permanently damaged my algorithm. I performed a few times for Michelle when she came home from work which was more harrowing than expected. Conditions improved after a little bit and I was rewarded with gummy bears.
Day 28,7/27: I sang a few times with a karaoke track before going roller skating and roller derby.
Day 29, 7/28: Watched the Olympics for several hours, read a good chunk of a library book due on Wednesday, and ate sushi. I think I sang my song a few times in the mirror to make sure I didn’t look like a Medium Place Janet.
Day 30, 7/29: Aside from not going, there’s really nothing I can do to prevent myself from looking foolish. I created an acting resume which was one of the most embarrassing things I could think of doing. I found a newsletter for actors that advertised resume templates as a subscription perk. Sold! Saying “I acted in high school” looks different from the enumerated list of things that happened over 20 years ago. For example, I was the stage manager of The Mousetrap my sophomore year which was twenty three years ago. That space of time is older than FOUR of the Olympic women’s gymnasts. I was reminded that I directed a one act play senior year that served as an elaborate, before its time prom-posal where the girl said no. No wonder I memory-holed it.
Audition Day, 7/30: Michelle asked me if I was nervous and I said not really. At 7 am, I was not nervous. It’s 11:15 right now and I’m still not feeling anything other than some vocal fatigue which is my own stupid fault. I’m going to watch Women’s Gymnastics and cry my eyes out and cook dinner before I get in the shower. My audition is late and not just late for me—late late. Last night I got an email telling me the location changed which takes me through a very dark place which makes me more nervous than the audition itself. Granted, I am the lunatic that opted to do this time slot in the spirit of giving it the old college try. I’m going to wear the dress I wore to the Eras Tour so there’s some fairy dust in there. I also wore it to see Barbie the second time and a little girl pointed at me to tell her mom I was dressed like Barbie. Michelle also made a plum cake so when I get back, I get cake as a treat. There are no downsides.
The Waiting, Day 1: It was fine! My singing was a little wonky because I’ve been preparing with a karaoke track, not a live accompanist, which is not the same! I think I demonstrated that I can sing and sing to the back of the room. The acting part was much better. I read from a scene I had practiced in the mirror, so I was prepared to minorly dazzle and demonstrate my comedic talents. I left feeling good. The introduction form I filled out forced me to report my Taylor Swift tourism weekend in October, so I don’t know if that will force fate’s hand.
The Waiting, Day 2: I’m less confident today but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’d rather focus on gymnastics than spiral, so I’m locked in to Simone Biles and Suni Lee.
The Waiting, Day 3: I finally told Caryn because she had to go into the office and I thought she deserved a treat. Her reaction was so sweet and supportive. She understands the need to use your brain in a different way. Emails about callbacks are coming out this afternoon. Now I’m actually nervous! I remain firm in my stance that it’s fine either way. However, I think I’d prefer to get good news! It looks like good news is not coming tonight. I just have to wait longer. I am going to talk to a pasta salad about this.
The Waiting, Day 5: During my afternoon Olympics shift, I finally received my email that I had, in fact, not been cast. So, after analysis, the answer is no! No, I won’t be returning to musical theater in 30 days but it’s not all bad news! I’m only disappointed because it sounded fun, not because it didn’t work out. I actually can’t wait to see the production later this fall, which is growth. What have I learned? I used to sing for the same amount of time per week as my part time job. At the height of my choir kid powers, I sang about 20 hours a week, between class, lessons, and other rehearsals. To return to form, I needed to put in more work. My musical weaknesses haven’t changed or improved because I didn’t try to fix them. Will I try again? Actually, yes! There’s always next time, right? I’ve watched all extant seasons of Girls5eva, so I’ve learned a few lessons about resilience.
There are so many world class athletes getting shut out of the medal contention. There are about 10,500 athletes competing for 329 gold medals. It’s more likely to be struck by lightning or to become the President of the United States. I watched a four hour bike race on Sunday where the leader for 90% of the race came in 4th place. The hottest man I’ve ever seen lost the gold medal by hundredths of a second. Suni Lee and Simone Biles didn’t reach the podium for the balance beam. Masters of their sport fall short all the time.
Me? I’m just some dipshit who wanted to try something new. I’m not reporting to you live from the jaws of defeat. It just didn’t happen. Sometimes you don’t get an Olympic medal, sometimes you don’t get picked for VP on a national ticket, and sometimes you don’t get cast in a local production of Cinderella. Lots of things don’t happen—it’s mostly a neutral experience! It’s only bad if you let it hinder your moving forward. So, in the spirit of forward motion, I’m going to try again.